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[personal profile] polutrope
Posted in full at: http://ift.tt/2wXFKXr at September 12, 2017 at 08:56AM
my insincerity on here comes from fear: that i’ll be unable to convey what really matters to me. or maybe from reverence: that what really matters to me is too important to be commodified - too big to be cut down into a tumblr post. 

what matters to me is yesterday. I took a long weekend to go up to the Adirondacks with my parents, to stay on an island in Saranac Lake. It wasn’t perfect - it rained on the way over to the island, my parents snapped at each other, and I, though I tried to be calm, snapped too - but it was wonderful. I cried Sunday night, long and loud and seemingly without cause, and I saw the cause on Monday afternoon: that the world was putting on its best for me. The day was perfect, crisp and sunwarmed, and the lake was calm. I had a solo canoe, and I felt, even though my parents were relatively near, and the lake has been extensively mapped, and there were a whole lot of motorboats, that with each stroke of my paddle, I was exploring new territory. 

And as I paddled, I remembered “le morte stagioni, e la presente
e viva, e il suon di lei” - “the dead seasons, and the one that is here now and living, and its sound;” for this was early fall, still bordering on summer, and it’s a time for endings and for winding down, and for remembering everything that has come before: the weight of the years leading up to this point, and the way the lake looked last night, moon-silvered in the darkness, and everything I’d fled to come here: work, and the little room that contains my entire life, and the city. And the sun shone, striking sparkles from the tiny waves on the lake, and everything cried don’t leave me; 

but living is leaving, and moments like those don’t last: winter comes, and it’s negative 7 Fº, and it’s good only for telling stories about years later; and sometimes it rains for days or weeks, and the brave clothing that those two days put on is false. 

Still, if I could choose to be anywhere, forever, it would be looking out at the lake from the top of our bluff, the fire crackling, the lake framed by trees, its depths only hinted at. 

Tags:what i did over the weekend, kai ta loipa, i will arise and go now for always night and day/i hear lake water lapping with low sounds by the shore
kai ta loipa


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