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Oh, look! It's my favorite things in one place: Phèdre and theory of translation!
Aside from the fact that their 'very literal' translation is slightly off (they translate "depuis plus de six mois eloigné de mon père" as "Since more than six months moved away my father," with eloigné as an active verb, rather than an adjective modifying Hippolyte, and "dessein" as "intention;" "plan," would, I believe, be a better translation, both for fluidity of English and for conveying the idea of "drawing" contained in "dessein"*), they make some interesting points.
They give four main translations, with faults of each; they like Margaret Rawlings' better than I. She translates "dans la doubte mortel dont je suis agité" as "In mortal doubt I waver; grow
Ashamed of idleness," which is awkward and not a great translation. Later she has "I do not know
What has become of that beloved head," which is literal, but odd in English (and perhaps in French, but it was more of a convention, as an imitation from the Greek).
I disagree entirely with their judgment of Wilbur. "The fatal lack is what the Lowell version has in abundance: energy. The verse does not carry the impetus of the emotionally-charged voice," they say; and yet, the alexandrine is a measured form. You can certainly convey emotion in it (Bérénice's speech to Titus in Bérénice, for example), but it's often done with breaking lines into shorter sentences. ("Je ne dispute plus. J'attendais, pour vous croire...") The beginning of Phèdre, on the other hand, is resuolute, but not all that emotional. If Wilbur is unemotional the whole way through, that's certainly wrong, but it's not inappropriate here.
Their rendering is terrible. "Uneasy idleness be seen as shame" makes no sense; there's no hint of Hippolyte's being concerned with others' view of him in those first lines. He blushes because of his own internal motivation and concern with duty, which is pretty important to the plot.
"I'll know the destiny in that dear head,
Nor heed the distances where it may hide." Both lines are awkward in English and convey the French only badly. Further, the French is negative: "j'ignore le destin," while the English is positive: "I'll know the destiny" and implies more decision than Racine gives Hippolyte at this point.
Thèramene's speech is largely unremarkable: there are a few minor errors, such as "The oceans bounding Corinth" for "les deux mers que sépare Corinthe," and some awkward phrasing. I personally have a problem with a linebreak in the middle of a verb phrase, but that's a personal preference thing.
But it's Hippolyte's answer that's worst, in terms of translation and lack of power.
"His fateful, wandering heart, is as the throne,
Bestowed on Phaedra, and on her alone" translates
"Et fixant de ses voeux l'inconstance fatale,
Phèdre depuis longtemps ne craint plus de rivale." "Vows" and not "heart" - important to the understanding of the 16th drama - it's the logical, cold "vow" not the emotional "heart" that Thesée reigns in. "Phèdre" is at the beginning of the line, in emphatic position, not lost in the middle. The verb "craindre," "to fear" is much stronger than what they have. And finally, Hippolyte entertains the possibility of a future rival with "depuis longtemps" - i.e., she has been secure for a long time, but she might not always be.
For the most part, their analysis is good, though I take issue with "2. do we want a heart to fasten like a gun-dog with set?" Yes, we do - it is, after all, what "fixer" means.
Then they talk about diction, and I leave them, and turn unto mine own thoughts. Racine is highly stylized; even the original audience wouldn't have seen their modes of speech reflected on the stage. For me that means that a contemporary translation, and an unrhymed translation, is right out. I think that my prefered translation would be in heroic couplets, because heroic couplets:English::rhymed alexandrines:French, and with some archaism.
--
*ugh, I am trying very hard not to be mean, but google translate did better.
Aside from the fact that their 'very literal' translation is slightly off (they translate "depuis plus de six mois eloigné de mon père" as "Since more than six months moved away my father," with eloigné as an active verb, rather than an adjective modifying Hippolyte, and "dessein" as "intention;" "plan," would, I believe, be a better translation, both for fluidity of English and for conveying the idea of "drawing" contained in "dessein"*), they make some interesting points.
They give four main translations, with faults of each; they like Margaret Rawlings' better than I. She translates "dans la doubte mortel dont je suis agité" as "In mortal doubt I waver; grow
Ashamed of idleness," which is awkward and not a great translation. Later she has "I do not know
What has become of that beloved head," which is literal, but odd in English (and perhaps in French, but it was more of a convention, as an imitation from the Greek).
I disagree entirely with their judgment of Wilbur. "The fatal lack is what the Lowell version has in abundance: energy. The verse does not carry the impetus of the emotionally-charged voice," they say; and yet, the alexandrine is a measured form. You can certainly convey emotion in it (Bérénice's speech to Titus in Bérénice, for example), but it's often done with breaking lines into shorter sentences. ("Je ne dispute plus. J'attendais, pour vous croire...") The beginning of Phèdre, on the other hand, is resuolute, but not all that emotional. If Wilbur is unemotional the whole way through, that's certainly wrong, but it's not inappropriate here.
Their rendering is terrible. "Uneasy idleness be seen as shame" makes no sense; there's no hint of Hippolyte's being concerned with others' view of him in those first lines. He blushes because of his own internal motivation and concern with duty, which is pretty important to the plot.
"I'll know the destiny in that dear head,
Nor heed the distances where it may hide." Both lines are awkward in English and convey the French only badly. Further, the French is negative: "j'ignore le destin," while the English is positive: "I'll know the destiny" and implies more decision than Racine gives Hippolyte at this point.
Thèramene's speech is largely unremarkable: there are a few minor errors, such as "The oceans bounding Corinth" for "les deux mers que sépare Corinthe," and some awkward phrasing. I personally have a problem with a linebreak in the middle of a verb phrase, but that's a personal preference thing.
But it's Hippolyte's answer that's worst, in terms of translation and lack of power.
"His fateful, wandering heart, is as the throne,
Bestowed on Phaedra, and on her alone" translates
"Et fixant de ses voeux l'inconstance fatale,
Phèdre depuis longtemps ne craint plus de rivale." "Vows" and not "heart" - important to the understanding of the 16th drama - it's the logical, cold "vow" not the emotional "heart" that Thesée reigns in. "Phèdre" is at the beginning of the line, in emphatic position, not lost in the middle. The verb "craindre," "to fear" is much stronger than what they have. And finally, Hippolyte entertains the possibility of a future rival with "depuis longtemps" - i.e., she has been secure for a long time, but she might not always be.
For the most part, their analysis is good, though I take issue with "2. do we want a heart to fasten like a gun-dog with set?" Yes, we do - it is, after all, what "fixer" means.
Then they talk about diction, and I leave them, and turn unto mine own thoughts. Racine is highly stylized; even the original audience wouldn't have seen their modes of speech reflected on the stage. For me that means that a contemporary translation, and an unrhymed translation, is right out. I think that my prefered translation would be in heroic couplets, because heroic couplets:English::rhymed alexandrines:French, and with some archaism.
--
*ugh, I am trying very hard not to be mean, but google translate did better.